Watch: Wednesday's DOGE Savings Update Is Nuts, Includes Racist Alcoholic Mice and Steroid Hamster Fights
How has the Department of Government Efficiency been doing this week? Well, if you’re a fan of government-subsidized hamster-fighting or getting Russian cats on treadmills, you’re probably not happy.
In a Wednesday report published by the Wall Street Apes X account — but reposted by DOGE chair Elon Musk, thus giving it the imprimatur of the guy running the new efficiency watchdog — we’ve managed to ferret out some very peculiar line-items that your tax dollars are being used for.
Keep in mind that these reports aren’t official, and as Musk himself has said, nobody bats a thousand. Batting even .250 on this, however, would be outrageous — and one assumes he batted a lot higher than that.
First up: $3 million to give hamsters steroids and see how it affected their fighting acumen.
I have a significantly cheaper way to accomplish this study, whatever it was meant to prove, and we wouldn’t even need to use hamsters as subjects, but real live humans. First, pay me $2,000. Second, get me video of every bench-clearing brawl in Major League Baseball between the year Mark McGwire broke the home run record and the year they introduced steroid testing. Then get me videos of the same brawls after PED testing came into effect.
Hypothesis: I will be $2,000 richer for confirming what you probably suspected.
Next up, $2.3 million for studying how cocaine affects beagles. I’m guessing it looked something like this:
here’s snoopy dancing to girls & boys by blur to cheer up your day! pic.twitter.com/LEngtgf8A3
— vys (@girlsandblur) October 8, 2024
The woman in the Wall Street Apes video had a better idea: “Why don’t you just spend about $1,500, get yourself a Coachella [Music Festival] ticket, get a lawn chair, sit back, watch? You’ll understand what cocaine does to anyone.”
Also, I hear the FBI has a copy of a laptop hard drive belonging to a former first son that documents this pretty extensively. Just saying.
And then you have love and hate in animals: $600,000 to study romance in parrots, $500,000 for “racial aggression in mice.”
Another $1.1 million was allegedly spent training mice to binge drink. The woman in the video had another thoughtful suggestion: Forget about the mice, go to the University of Georgia and spend a weekend observing a frat or sorority there.
Still on cocaine, $875,000 apparently went to see how Bolivian marching powder affected quail mating. If the strung-out animals had too much energy, there was also $2.7 million that went to putting Russian cats on treadmills, supposedly.
Then there was $2.1 million to encourage Ethiopians to wear shoes, allegedly, and $187,000 to study whether children love their pets.
No word on whether any study was done on whether children loved pets on cocaine more than sober pets; given that there seems to be a lot of dusted-up animals receiving government funding, this almost feels like a deliberate oversight.
WARNING: The following video contains vulgar language that may offend some readers.
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 13, 2025
Again, these are just reports — but after what DOGE documented at USAID, are you exactly shocked? Remember, when liberals talk to you about these programs addressing “food insecurity” or the like, this is the waste that’s really getting attacked — and that they’re defending.
And what will the outrage be? Naturally, we’re probably going to have a Democrat or two more concerned that Musk has access to that quail’s drug history, just like they’re having a fit over him having other data.
(Remember, the rest of the government is perfectly trustworthy when it has this information — but Elon? #DeportHim!)
Then there’s the next line of defense: Yes, these sound silly, but they’re drops in the bucket. It’s a bucket that’s already overflowing, however, and part of that has been ignoring all of those drops over all these years.
And just think: This is just the tip of the iceberg of what DOGE is going to be uncovering. The fact the left still believes this to be wholly unnecessary — an outrage, even — is indicative of how much they value your money, America.
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