Journalist: Trump's the Reason I Can't Open Jars, Stopped Going to Gym
Trump Derangement Syndrome — defined as “a mental condition in which a person has been driven effectively insane due to his or her dislike of Donald Trump” — has many symptoms, from hysterical crying to sullen withdrawal to violent outbursts.
TDS started spreading even before Trump was elected president, but it reached pandemic status on Nov. 8, 2016, and has shown no signs of waning.
Cases of TDS have been seen around the country and the world, and now we have evidence that the malady has reached the “Land Down Under.”
Brigid Delaney, a writer for the Guardian Australia, is the latest victim, as she made clear with her most recent work.
The headline of Delaney’s column Wednesday says it all: “I stopped going to the gym because of Trump. Now I can’t open jars.”
Like some of her other articles — for example, “Vagina visions and no breakfast: what happens when you spend 12 days at a festival” and “My town is so green there’s no plastic, so why is my tree covered in it?” — this week’s column reads like a parody of liberal nuttiness.
Delaney explains that she bet the owner of her gym $100 that Hillary Clinton would defeat Trump in the election. If Clinton lost, Delaney would have to pull 70 kilograms — just over 150 pounds — on a sled.
Well, you know what happened Nov. 8. To her credit, Delaney honored the bet.
“I pulled the sled like a human oxen while being filmed and the gym staff cheered,” she wrote. “I did it. But the Trump victory soured my successful show of strength. Yeah, I could pull a pretend sled. But how was that going to help me when the world had been destroyed by nuclear weapons or climate change?”
That would be Delaney’s last visit to the gym, however. She now associated it with the 45th president of the United States.
“Months passed,” she wrote. “Then a year. Trump was going to be in power for another 1,000 years. Or at least that’s what it felt like. Could I really avoid the gym for the entirety of his presidency?
“I missed being strong enough to open jars and carry groceries.”
Delaney couldn’t take it anymore. She finally broke down and returned to the gym, only to learn just how weak she had become because of her hatred of Trump.
“The next day I woke up feeling like a human ironing board,” she wrote. “Sitting down became impossible. I had to sort of fall on to chairs because there was no ‘bend’ available in my legs. And typing this is agony — my arms hurt. There’s no strength in my wrists.”
Delaney concluded by saying she continues to struggle to regain her pre-Trump power.
A woman who lives more than 10,000 miles away from Washington, D.C., blaming the president of the United States for her inability to open a jar of pickles?
The only possible diagnosis is Trump Derangement Syndrome.
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